


Through the Darkness Shines a Light

by orphan_account



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, post TDW
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-23 15:39:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4882456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After fighting side by side against Malekith, Thor and Loki have to deal with the aftermaths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **After fighting side by side against Malekith, Thor and Loki have to deal with the aftermaths.**
> 
> _Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit._

Dust settled upon the remains of Greenwich, the sudden quiet almost deafening. There were no cheers that were expected after a won battle. Midgard was no stranger to war, yet they still needed to get used to what ‘alien nations’, as they called everything that lay outside their world, were capable of.

Devastation and death. Who could really blame them for standing and staring in utter shock at the battlefield that lay before them, trying to understand the sheer danger they had been in just mere minutes ago.

Thor fairly doubted they were aware of how close their planet had been to complete destruction. The events taken place in New Mexico and New York would have been laughable in comparison.

But Malekith was no more. Even the Aether hadn’t been able to provide the power needed to defeat the combined strength of gods with little to lose and overly determined humans with an affinity for science, who wouldn’t back off even at the worst threat.

Thor’s blood was still singing with the energy that surged through him whenever he fought an equal enemy, Mjölnir humming in his hand with satisfaction after the blast he had used to erase his opponent once and for all. With every deep breath, the rage of a warrior that drove him faded away a little bit more, the world pushed a bit further back into his focus and he turned. Loki stood still by his side, at first sight appearing rightfully exhausted after the amount of magic he had summoned to give Thor the chance needed to make his final blow.

For the split of a second, a satisfied grin lit Thor’s face. Oh, how much it had felt like the good old days, fighting side by side upon the battlefield, so perfectly timed it seemed they had truly been made to complete each other. With a wince, he remembered the stab into the stomach his brother had taken to save his life, but which hadn’t stopped him from participating in the final battle against the dark one.

That stab to the stomach, though…

Thor opened his mouth to ask for his brother’s wellbeing, but no words passed his lips as he finally paid a more observant second glance. He lunged forward just in time to steady Loki as he sank to his knees, preventing him from going all the way down. He was paler than usual, dark shadows below unnaturally dull green eyes giving him the unsettling look of a ghost. He was shaking, Thor noticed now, his grip instinctively tightening.

“You should’ve told me your injury is worse than it appeared!” he scolded.

“Must be the poison,” Loki stated with an emotionless smile.

“Poison?”

“Didn’t I inform you? My apologies.” The words lacked the sarcastic bite they were supposed to deliver as Loki struggled to stay upright.

Thor stared back in utter disbelief, words failing him. Panic rose in the depth of his chest, causing a whole new rush of energy that wasn’t of use for a born warrior. Not much was able to kill them, but it was more than possible, as proven to them on more than one occasion during the past centuries.

“You stubborn, foolish…” Thor started but found himself interrupted by the human friends he had already forgotten about.

“Is something wrong?” Jane’s concerned voice wanted to know. She grimaced. “I think there is. We should take him to a hospital, they can take care of the stab wound for sure.”

“It’s not just the stab wound,” Thor responded without looking up. Loki was barely conscious at this point, his constitution worsening with every passing second. He must have cast a spell upon himself earlier to hide the true expanse of his injury, Thor thought, feeling the strong urge to punch him for his foolishness. “There’s only one place where he can be properly taken care of.”

Those words got a reaction out of his brother. “In no way are you taking me back to Asgard,” Loki hissed, body jerking in a flash of pain. It did little to erase the mix of rage and panic in his eyes. “Is that what you want? Take me back so I can be locked away like an animal again?”

“I’m taking you back so you won’t die!” Thor exclaimed, and was rewarded with a dry bark of laughter.

“I’d rather die than go back and rot away in a cell once I recovered.” Loki flashed his teeth in a mad grin. “Come on, brother. Don’t you want to use the chance that won’t be given to you again? Do the Nine Realms and yourself a favor. Kill me already. You know you have to eventually.”

The words, well-aimed as always, didn’t fail their purpose. Loki had always known how to spark rage in Thor’s heart, more easily than any enemy ever would. The days when he had lacked the needed control to stop the rage from spilling out through violent actions lay far in the past though. Instead Thor tightened his grasp on his uncooperative brother and turned to Jane apologetically.

“I’m sorry I have to leave you to the aftermaths of such a battle, but time is working against me,” he said. His mortal friends barely got a chance to answer when he already called for Heimdall and his surroundings blurred in a swirl of colors and gravitation.

~~~~

His world was dark and quiet. There was nothing. Like a void. Like eternity, without a beginning and without an end. If that was death, Loki thought, he didn’t think he was impressed by it. Of course he cherished quiet, having grown up with a loud, demanding brother like Thor who wouldn’t rest until he got him away from books and the calmth of his chambers.

But nothing… Who could exist like that until the ends of time?

How ridiculous, he thought. Dying like this. He might have believed himself willing to go before: when he had let go to fall into the unknown, with his heart torn to pieces at the realisation that a carefully constructed plan had failed so miserably. Or when he had stepped in front of Thor to be pierced by the blade that had been supposed to kill the thundergod, recklessly and without thinking. If anyone dared to harm Thor, it was him, not a killing machine that had tried to take Frigga’s life mere hours ago.

But truly wanting to die? Now that he was drifting in utter darkness, he realised there was still so much to do. So much to say even. A thousand years had not been enough. If only…

Loki didn’t get the chance to finish his wish, and immediately regretted his dislike of the quiet darkness at the new sensations that hit him with blinding force. Numbness was replaced by agonising pain that started where the sword had been driven into his stomach and spread through his veins like a wildfire. He was burning alive while hundredth of knives sliced him apart inch by inch. Darkness was replaced by bright light that hurt as much as the liquid fire within him. His body jerked on its own accord, twisting and tensing as he tried to run from what he couldn’t flee. He wanted to scream, but no noise passed his lips.

The darkness, his desperate mind pleaded, give it back! Rather would he spend eternity in a void than experience such a brutal kind of torture.

And then, there was the voice. Loki didn’t know what it said, where it came from. Was his mind making it up in its madness? Was he still alive after all? Like a drowning man, he reached out for the sound. It was a gentle voice. Soothing even. It didn’t ease the pain, yet it anchored him in a way that made him sigh in relief. His lips parted once more as realisation dawned upon him and a single word pressed its way out.

Thor.

Then the darkness swallowed him whole, dragging him back into sweet nothingness, with no pain, but no soothing voices either.

~~~~

Thor knew physical exhaustion, experienced so often after a rough battle. He had always welcomed it, at times had longed for it because only when his muscles ached so sweetly did he know that he had fought hard enough.

Exhaustion of the mind, however, was nothing he could deal with so easily. He felt like he hadn’t slept for centuries, would probably never slumber again. Raw concern was wracking his brain, tearing him apart from the inside.

Loki hadn’t woken up since he had lost consciousness upon their arrival on Asgard. Thor’s spinning mind hadn’t paused long enough to be surprised by Frigga’s presence at Heimdall’s side. A rush of gratitude had filled his chest though, causing tears to spring to his eyes like he was still a little boy in need of his mother’s helping hands. An army led by the fiercest enemy was danger he could handle. The invisible enemy that had struck them now was a different story.

He sat in complete silence, absolutely motionless as Frigga examined Loki’s injury with serious eyes and steady hands. He followed her orders willingly, patiently waiting until she chose to answer his unspoken questions.

“It is nothing our healers can take care of,” she explained, voice ever so calm, quiet, almost comforting. The voice of a mother, trying to soothe her child, Thor thought and didn’t know whether or not that was supposed to frighten him even more.

“Will it kill him?” he forced himself to ask.

“No.” Frigga shook her head, offering the hint of a mild smile at her son’s reaction. “It might have killed a mortal by now, but it shouldn’t have such an effect on one of our kind.” She paused. “Recovery will not be a smooth journey though. As will be an attempt to stay hidden from the Allfather’s eyes.”

“That is of my concern.” Averting his eyes from her gaze, Thor sighed. “I will not let him put Loki in a cell again like an ordinary prisoner. He was mistaken in his madness, seeking an ally in the worst of all beings, but he fought by my side down on Midgard, although he cares so little for them. He saved my life. He agreed to cooperate because he wished to get revenge for the attempt to take your life, mother. I refuse to believe he’s incapable of change. That we lost the one he was for good.”

Frigga didn’t speak, but the warmth in her gaze that had fallen upon her children so many times in the past answered all questions. It felt like those old days again, when they had been in danger of punishment for trouble they had gotten into. If only things were so easy now. Thor knew how much his mother longed for those easy days’ return, when conflicts could be solved with heated arguments that cleared stubborn minds and were forgotten days later. Her beloved family had been shattered to pieces, and yet she was still desperately trying to hold them together in some way, constantly wondering when her attempts would fail for good.

A pang of guilt held Thor’s heart in its cold clutches, but even that was forgotten once Loki suddenly rose from his motionless silence. His body grew tense as he winced in pain, hands aimlessly grasping at whatever they could reach. Eyes squeezed shut firmly as lips parted in a silent scream.

The sight tore through the thundergod like a blade. There was little he could do, and according to Frigga, his mother didn’t have any help to offer either. Led by the ache in his chest that caused a thick lump in his throat, Thor sat on the edge of Loki’s bed, taking hold of one of his hands again while the other reached out, cupping his brother’s cheek gently yet firmly. He whispered words of little meaning, knowing they would do nothing to erase the torture caused by the poison that had too much time to spread. Thor kept going though, feeling the need to do something, unable to sit still and wait. Time seemed to stand still until Loki’s eyes blinked open for the split of a second. He couldn’t focus, but this time, his lips formed a word, not more than a whisper but enough to be heard.

“Thor.”

Then he lay still again, the tension fading slowly until unconsciousness claimed Loki once more. Thor remained by his side, unaware of his mother’s concerned gaze that rested upon her sons. He knew a long way lay before them, but even though he didn’t know how to go it yet, he was determined as ever to try.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **After fighting side by side against Malekith, Thor and Loki have to deal with the aftermaths.**
> 
> _Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit._

They tried the healing stones, they tried magic, but no attempt at helping Loki’s recovery along showed any kind of success. Every few hours, his state of unconsciousness was disturbed by flashes of pain that threatened to tear him apart. It was a sight Thor could hardly bear, but if even his mother was at a loss of options, there was even less for him to do.

Concern had solidified in his chest like a thick lump, keeping him awake and on alert. For centuries, he hadn’t felt helpless, had always been in control, with a plan b in the back of his mind in case his original one dared to fail. Once stripped off his powers and sent to Midgard, he had been confronted with such weakness for the first time. He had learnt his lesson though, had earned his worth back.

But now…

Was there a lesson to learn for him? If so, what was he supposed to do? And why like this? What had he done this time? How could he fix it?

Thor winced at his own thoughts. He could almost hear Loki laughing at them. ‘Not everything is about you, brother’, he would say, probably with a glint of anger in his eyes. An everlasting repeat of the same conflict between them. No, maybe this time it wasn’t his lesson to learn, but that didn’t change the maddening helplessness that threatened to drive him crazy.

The gentle touch of a hand upon his shoulder drew him out of his darkening thoughts, startling him. Frigga’s presence had the calming effect he was used to, but even she didn’t give him the desired sense of safety this time. He could see her own concern, barely hidden in the set of blue eyes that matched his so perfectly.

“You should rest,” she said softly, giving his shoulder an encouraging squeeze. “There’s little you can do right now.”

Thor knew her words held undeniable truth. His body ached with exhaustion from the aftermaths of the battle against Malekith. The recent events had made him all the more sensitive to it. But sleep was no option, even less if he had to leave his brother’s side for that.

“I’m fine, mother,” he stated, not bothered to make his voice sound convincing. Thor had never mastered the skill of lying, especially not in front of Frigga.

He was grateful that no arguments met his words. His mother knew his stubbornness well, knew even his friends wouldn’t be able to carry him away. Instead she reclaimed the chair at the other side of Loki’s bed, no further words spoken as she checked on the glaring, still bleeding stab wound, rested the back of her hand against feverish skin. Thor barely registered her actions, even forgot her presence after a while as his mind narrowed in on his brother once more.

~~~~

The void disappeared eventually. Loki wasn’t sure how much that was supposed to please him. For what felt like eternity, the quiet darkness and the roaring pain had taken turns until he was certain he would go mad for good. Maybe he should have informed Thor about the poison before it got the chance to spread into every inch of his body and eventually inflict its nasty curse upon him.

He had been aware of the sword’s gift the moment it pierced his skin. Loki didn’t know for sure why he had kept quiet about this little but important detail. For one, he hadn’t wanted to see the pity in his brother’s eyes, the concern that would certainly be there. The foolish god still cared so deeply that it was nauseating. If there was anyone’s help he didn’t need and didn’t want, it was Thor’s.

Then there had been this sickening idea that something deep within him was longing for the pain and destruction the poison would bring: a punishment so much worse than any prison could be. He wanted it, for failing so miserably at every attempt to put himself where he belonged: upon a throne of a world that was destined to be ruled by him. He had successfully driven Odin away, had made the man admit that yes, he saw the monster Loki was. Always had, probably. Just had been too much of a coward, or too much of a strategist to admit it. 

Unfortunately, Thor was a different story, and so was Frigga.

Now, lost in a world between deafening silence and agonising pain, he regretted having made yet another mistake. For one who was smart as him, observant as him, that was quite an embarrassing amount of mistakes within such a short period of time.

Loki’s heart pumped faster as his world shifted once more, but instead of flashing pain, he found himself surrounded by the cold light of stars, whole galaxies even. Floating in space, obviously. Frowning in confusion but no longer bothered to question what was certainly a hallucination of his poisoned brain, he braced himself for whatever was to attack next.

The attack never came. Instead a snort behind him made Loki spin around, realising he was no longer alone in the prison of his body and mind.

“Whoa,” the woman said, taking in her surroundings with huge eyes, gaping like a fish. “Is that awesome or what?! So many stars. I doubt astronauts have ever seen that part of space before.”

Loki stared in disbelief, needing a couple of moments until he recognised the floating human who was so awestruck that she hadn’t even acknowledged his presence yet. Darcy Lewis, he remembered. That strange and overly communicative friend of Jane Foster. However, before he got a chance to wonder where she had come from, her gaze met his and she grinned.

“Oh, hey there. Spectacular hallucination.” She nodded impressed. “Not exactly what I’ve expected though. Not from a brooding dude like you.”

A hallucination then. The fact it wasn’t real was a strangely soothing thought.

“What are you doing here?” Loki asked eventually, resisting the urge to roll his eyes as she stared at the stars once more with those giant eyes that made her look like a surprised cow.

“Well, duh. Is this my hallucination or yours?” Darcy cocked an eyebrow in mock amusement. “How am I supposed to know?”

The lack of seriousness in her voice wore Loki’s nerves down within the matter of a few spoken words. “If this was my hallucination,” he started behind gritted teeth, “why would I possibly have you in it?”

With a dramatic gasp, she placed a hand upon her heart. “Wow. Rude much? I know I’m not like the most important person ever. I mean, I’m used to being Jane’s ever loving, overlocked sidekick, but c’mon.” She paused, frowning before her grin returned, brighter than before. “Hey, maybe that’s why! Your subconsciousness made me show up ‘cause if someone knows what it’s like to be the overlooked sidekick, it’s you, right?”

She spoke in such a carefree voice, like she was talking about what was so clearly obvious to everyone, yet her words felt like a harsh blow to the stomach. Loki glared at her, hands clenching into fists. Maybe he should try if his seidr worked in hallucinations as well. Did she even know who she was talking to?

“Oh please,” Darcy snorted then, shaking her head at him. “Y’think you’re threatening, man? I’m not even real. Hex me or stab me or do whatever you want. I fairly doubt I’m gonna go away.” Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she tilted her head to the side and studied him with curiosity. “So while we’re both stuck in that outer space kinda thing, why don’t we try to find out why I’m really here? Of course unless you’re totally into me for some reason and this is gonna turn into some dirty little fantasy.” She winked at him, still with the stupidly broad grin.

Releasing his breath with a deep sigh, Loki closed his eyes in an attempt to anchor himself. He knew if she was real, he could get rid of her with little effort. Snap her neck maybe. Or stab her. See if she was still grinning then.

But this… He almost wished the pain back, if only that would save him from the overly vocal human.

“Jane’s worried, y’know?” she said then and his eyes snapped back open, narrowing in a glare that wasn’t directed at Lewis this time.

Jane Foster. She was one of a kind, that was for sure. Loki couldn’t deny he was impressed by how she had handled herself while under the possession of the Aether. Of course she hadn’t abused its power, being the kind, righteous human she was. But she hadn’t broken down in fear either. She hadn’t even flinched away from him, had actually dared to deal out a decent punch instead. She was strong for a mortal, and smart as well. But she had done something Loki wouldn’t forgive.

“Ah, now that got a reaction out of you.” Darcy nodded satisfied. “That’s something we can work with. Wanna talk about your jealousy?”

“Why would you believe I’m-” Loki started, a new flash of rage filling his chest, but was cut off when his world started to shift again.

“Oh.” Darcy’s eyes widened. “Someone’s waking up. Say hello to Thor from me.”

He could see her waving at him before the galaxies faded away and he was greeted by blinding pain once more.

~~~~

Loki rose from his unconsciousness with a start, gasping in shock at the liquid fire in his veins. Thor hadn’t realised he had been about to drift off into much needed slumber until he was dragged back to reality with sickening force.

“Loki?” With all senses back on alert, Thor sat up straight, moving closer. Instinctively, he took hold of his brother’s hand again. When he met his gaze though, he found Loki no longer staring ahead with unfocused eyes. Instead they were firmly resting on the thundergod, glinting with pain, anger and fear.

“You fool!” Loki hissed between gritted teeth, shivering violently as his muscles spasmed uncontrollably. “Why didn’t you kill me when I told you to!”

Although spoken in a delirious state of pain, the words felt like stabs right to the heart. Loki stared at his brother with a rage so raw it seemed to come right from his core. Thor opened his mouth, helplessly trying to form words when Loki’s grip on his hand tightened and his body grew unnaturally tense.

“Loki…” was all Thor managed to say, so desperately wishing he could take at least some of his brother’s pain. More than willingly, he would carry this burden if it promised any kind of relief. Guilt tore through him, making him choke on his breath as if an invisible hand tried to strangle him. Ever since Mjölnir had declared him worthy of her power again, since he had learnt his lesson, his first and foremost goal had been the safety of those he loved. The sight before him was a maddening proof of failure.

Loki’s grip on his hand was almost bone-crushing at this point. Lost in his overwhelming need to help, it took Thor a while until he realised his brother was trying to speak.

“What do you wish to say?” he asked as he noticed, leaning in further. Once more, Loki’s gaze met his, but the raw hate was gone. Only fear remained when he made another attempt.

“Don’t go,” he choked out in utter desperation. “Don’t leave me alone.”

“Of course I won’t,” Thor promised, tears starting to fill his eyes. The plea hurt even worse than the earlier rage. “I won’t leave you ever again, brother. I promise. I’m right here, holding on to you until I’ve got you back.”

Loki held his gaze for another moment before his harsh breathing started to even out again. He sighed in relief as his eyes fluttered shut and he drifted off into the bliss unconsciousness. Thor remained where he was, determined as ever to keep his promise. He had lost his brother before. It would not happen again. Tightly he clutched the cool, pale hand between his, holding on as he waited for his loved one to return to him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **After fighting side by side against Malekith, Thor and Loki have to deal with the aftermaths.**
> 
> _Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit._

By the time his mind had mercy and removed him from harsh reality, Loki didn’t feel the sense of relief that usually came when unconsciousness claimed him again. The pain was gone, but a bone deep ache stayed behind. It threatened to settle in his chest, choking him, inflaming the heat of rage that shot through his veins.

Unlike the times before, he had seen his surroundings surprisingly clear. His eyes had found Thor instantly, and his emotions, loaded all the more with the roaring pain shooting into his muscles, had spilled in an explosion of raw anger.

Why hadn’t Thor killed him? Had freed him of the burden that was resting upon his shoulders? Why couldn’t his stupid brother have listened to his wishes for once, and ended the misery that was his life?

Then his treacherous feelings had turned on him like a hungry beast. Even in the wake of Loki’s rage, Thor had held his gaze with the warmth and concern that refused to go away. He wanted to believe in him so badly; even after New York, Thor hadn’t gotten rid of him like Loki had expected him to. Had wanted him to. Thor had his own idea of their relationship, wouldn’t let go, wouldn’t back off, like the warrior he was.

And, despite his best intentions, Loki didn’t seem to want him to either. Something had changed when a new flash of pain had threatened to tear him apart. Suddenly he craved for the warm hands that were firmly holding on to his. He craved for the concerned blue eyes, watching over him. He craved for his brother’s presence by his side, and the knowledge that once he rose from his feverish hallucinations again, Thor would still be there, welcoming him back.

And Loki hated him for that.

He hated him for refusing to let go.

He hated him for changing into the good-hearted protector he was now.

He hated him for believing in Loki despite his attempts at proving to the worlds that he should be feared, would rule them all. That he was destined to be king, no matter the cost.

He hated Thor for loving him, actually daring to show it now. 

He hated him even more for loving him back.

This fact hurt more than the actual pain caused by the poison. Love was weakness: he had learnt so the hard way. He had loved his brother, had looked up to him as an idol, and had been nothing more but the overlooked sidekick for centuries, the one his friends had made fun of when they’d thought he couldn’t hear them. He had loved his father, just to find out he wasn’t even his son to begin with. A necessary evil for future alliances, nothing else.

So why would he bother to listen to a weak heart that had failed at keeping itself safe so badly in the past?

Because it’s different now, the heart said, but Loki refused to listen. Rage would eventually quieten it, he hoped, but knew things were never that easy. Not for him. Not with Thor.

“Welcome back,” he was greeted from behind his back as he found himself back in complete darkness. With anger still pulsing in his veins, Loki spun around and was confronted with a floating Darcy Lewis again. She studied him with a raised eyebrow as she added, “I gotta say I liked your colorful space hallucination a lot better.”

The urge to snap her neck was maddening and Loki had to close his eyes to blind her out and keep at least a bit of his rapidly fading self-control. He knew she wouldn’t go away though. His mind had already proven that it liked to torture him just mere moments ago. Why would it get rid of this annoying reflection now? Indeed, she was still there when his eyes blinked open again, giving him a nonchalant look.

“Wasn’t a pleasant trip back, huh? Because of the pain or something else?” The way she tilted her head to the side made her look like she already knew the answer.

“Just leave me alone,” he hissed, turning his back on her. There was already too much to deal with without her pestering questions.

Her answer was a snort. “Seriously? I’d love to leave you alone, thank you very much. But last time I checked, your weird mind got me here. It’s not like I asked to be stuck in a dark room with a bitchy god who looks like he’s gonna shred me to pieces every second. So why don’t you make it easier for the both of us, stop throwing a fit and talk to me?”

“There’s nothing I wish to talk about with you.”

She sighed. “You know, your brother was a lot more polite, even after Jane hit him with a van.”

The surge of anger, caused by her words, physically startled Loki. He spun around, focussing on her with a heated glare. “Of course,” he stated with a cold smile. “What else did you expect from the Mighty Thor? So charming, so kind. He wins people’s hearts with nothing more than a few well-chosen words and a mesmerizing smile. A born leader, is he not?”

He hated the smug look Darcy gave him in response. “Ah,” she said, nodding satisfied. “Now we’re getting somewhere. So your brother pissed you off. What did he do this time?”

Even if she had tortured him, Loki would have refused to answer. In no way would he share that it was Thor’s love for him and his own responding feelings despite the fallout that currently made him seethe with rage and self loathe. After long moments of silence, she seemed to understand that she wouldn’t get an answer and shrugged.

“Y’know you’re overreacting here, don’t ya?” she wanted to know. “Is this still about being adopted?”

“Being adopted?!” Loki spat. “I’d advise you to watch your words…”

“Or what?” Darcy rolled her eyes. “You’re not the first person ever who found out they were adopted. It sucks, I can imagine. But it’s no excuse to lose your shit like that.”

At this point, Loki wished to murder her more than he desired to breathe. His heart was hammering hard in his chest, his body shook with anger. Briefly, he wondered if that was what it had been like for Thor when his warrior instincts had kicked in. Little did he care though.

“I was an infant when Odin took me in, supposedly out of kindness.” A sad bark of laughter escaped him. “But the Allfather’s intentions are never so selfless. I was promised to be king one day, alongside of Thor, while all I was ever supposed to do was to reunite two hostile kingdoms. I was taught to hate my own kin, to fight them in effort to protect Asgard. Can you imagine what it feels like once you see that you’re one of the monsters you’ve been told to fear? That you’re denied your birthright? That you’re no more than part of a plan, with little other meaning to the one you’ve been calling your father ever since your earliest childhood?”

Darcy nodded slowly. “Yeah, that does suck of course. I can see why you’d be pissed at your Dad. But what’s Thor done to you? He’s been in on it the whole time, too?”

“How should I possibly know?” Loki snapped. With a sigh, he shook his head. “He did not know, but how does it matter? You want to know why my brother’s presence enrages me?” He laughed again. “Even long before I knew my true heritage, I was little more than a shadow at the Golden Son’s side. Thor was everything Odin wished for in a heir; a true warrior, mighty and strong, worthy of Mjölnir, loved by the folk of Asgard. In his arrogance, he never saw how I, who was to rule by his side, was shoved aside into oblivion. I was the overlooked, as you stated so rightly. Mother taught me magic, but that was frowned upon. I was the subject of entertainment, the useless son who did nothing but stick to his books and learn little tricks. Not once did Thor see me as more than a sidekick, remembered only when he was in need of help or simply bored. He’s been no better than Odin!”

“Wow.” Darcy winced slightly, although she looked hardly uncomfortable. She seemed impressed, but Loki couldn’t help the thought that reaction was caused by the length of his speech than by its content. He was proven right as she continued.

“Don’t you think you’re a bit hard on your brother here?” she wanted to know and lifted a finger in warning when he tried to argue back. “Ah! No, now it’s my turn.” She closed her eyes and sighed. “See...I get it, man. I do. Your father’s not exactly been what you’d call the Dad of the Year. Or the century. Whatever. There’s also no way to deny that your brother was quite a douche at times. He even admitted so himself. All that crap with honor and glory...I can right see him all arrogant and full of himself. But outright saying he never saw you, never cared...seriously?! I mean, if that was the case...that’d mean he just recently started loving you. Which is ridiculous, considering the fact that you’ve been a disastrous ass for the past two years. So let’s assume he’s always loved you, just had no idea how to bring it across...sorry, but can you really judge him? You of all people? Why’d you never gone and told him how you felt? Why’d you never say what it’s like to be the inside joke of Asgard? I bet he’d have listened. Probably would’ve kicked some asses for you too. He’s a stubborn dude and I bet he sucked at being a brother sometimes, that’s for sure. All siblings do after all, especially those with an oversized ego. I can also see how you’ve been jealous because he’s been everything you’d have liked to be and didn’t hesitate to show off with that. But doubting that Thor saw you as anything else but a lame sidekick? Is that why he’s refused to actually fight you, even when you tried to tear New York to pieces? Is that why he’s been almost happy to fight against that elf dude by his side? Is that why he’s sitting at your bed right now, holding your hand and worrying himself sick because he can’t do anything to help you? Don’t you think you’re projecting Odin’s cold rationality on your brother, along with your jealousy, and that’s why you’re hating him?”

Loki would have attempted to strangle her at this point, had he not been shocked into silence by her words. Even Darcy herself looked impressed.

“Wow, wherever that was coming from...I had no idea I was that good at psychology.” She shook her head in disbelief. Then she sighed again. “See...I know you love him back. Right? That’s what’s pissing you off the most. So much easier to hate someone you have no feelings for, huh? Sorry, man, but that whole ‘I don’t care for him, in fact I hate him’...didn’t come across that way when you were fighting together.”

Loki didn’t bother to argue back. His rage had passed to be replaced by an exhaustion that left him unable to form a proper response. Darcy hadn’t said anything new, yet there was a difference between one’s own, mostly suppressed thoughts and listening to them as someone gave them a voice. Simply hating Thor, trying to destroy him for good like he had attempted but failed would be so easy, especially as he knew he would destroy a part of himself as well.

But this…

When would it end?

Why couldn’t he make it stop?

“Leave me alone,” he said eventually, turning his back on Darcy once more. He tuned out her response, refused to allow any of his thoughts to prevail. Instead he sank further and further into the darkness that came with exhaustion. He felt numb, floating silently in a void once again. 

Then he woke up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **After fighting side by side against Malekith, Thor and Loki have to deal with the aftermaths.**
> 
> _Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit._

When Thor eventually slipped off into much needed slumber, he dreamt of nicer, easier times. It seemed like those lay millennia in the past and he could do little to prevent his heart from aching at the loss of what had once been. How much he longed for those centuries of growing up with Loki by his side, completing each other as if they were two halves of one piece, needing each other to be whole.

He missed his brother’s laughter, the warm smile, always with a hint of mischief, the way they would team up on others, even on Thor’s friends, always there to have each other’s back. He missed the way his life went on so smoothly. Until…

Until nothing had been easy anymore. In the wake of Loki’s rage and his recent actions, Thor wondered if things had been complicated for a while already, even before the reveal of Loki’s true heritage, unbeknownst to him.

He knew he had been selfish, arrogant, certainly not the best brother one could wish for. He had been sure that Loki knew how much he mattered, but obviously he hadn’t been able to transfer those feelings in a believable way. After all, Thor had missed how he had slowly but steadily spiralled out of control.

However, he wasn’t one to admit defeat so easily. There were still moments when Loki failed to keep up the mask he wore as of lately and instead revealed a glimpse of what was safely stored away deep inside. Thor was certain some part of his seemingly mad brother still wanted to be loved, wanted to be reassured that despite his who he was, he still belonged home. That he was not the monster he had been taught to fear and hate. That Thor still saw his Loki when he met those green eyes.

Thor was startled awake by a firm knock upon the door. With his senses back on alert, he sat up straight, heart beating faster. So far, the only one aware of his presence was Frigga, and she would not bother to knock. Before he got the chance to react, the door was opened carefully.

“I did not permit entrance!” Thor growled, but his warning was ignored.

“My knocking did not intend to ask for permission,” Sif stated as she let herself into the room and closed the door again. “It was but an announcement of my entrance, no more or less.”

“How did you learn about my arrival?” he wanted to know, heartbeat speeding up in rising nervousness. How many people knew? How soon until Odin found out, if he hadn’t already?

“Thor.” Tilting her head to the side, Sif gave him a gentle scowl. “I’ve been by your side since our earliest childhood. I know the working of your mind, where your intentions and priorities lie. Once I learnt that the battle against Malekith was fought but saw neither of you return, I made my own assumptions of your whereabouts. As it turns out, my suspicions were founded on solid ground.” Her hand came to rest upon his shoulder and she gave it a loving squeeze. “Your secret is safe with me, Thor. Even the Warriors Three will not be informed if you wish so.”

The warmth of relief and gratitude that filled his chest at her words erased part of the dull sensation that had taken such a firm hold on Thor. A friend like Lady Sif by his side was a gift he cherished deeply. For as long as he could remember, he could count on her loyalty: upon battlefield as much as in private matters. Of course the recent situation was no exception.

“How bad are his injuries?” she wanted to know then, dragging Thor’s thoughts back to the present.

“It’s the poison that worries me,” he explained with a sigh. “It’s not a familiar one. No healing stone would work on the infection, neither did any of mother’s spells. It might not be deadly, but a horrible weapon nonetheless. He’s suffering a high temperature that’s still rising and shocks of pain whenever his mind chooses to rise from unconsciousness.”

With a slow nod, Sif claimed the chair Frigga used to sit on and studied the sick man in the bed. She remained silent for a while until her eyes met Thor’s again.

“Does the Lady Jane know?” she asked.

Thor frowned in confusion at her words. “What should she know about?”

“That she will never be the highest priority the way a beloved should be.” She lifted an eyebrow at him.

“She’s a dear friend to me,” Thor answered, averting his gaze, feeling hers still resting upon him. He knew very well what she was referring to, and wasn’t surprised either. He cared for the mortals, especially for Jane, but while she had caught his attention, he couldn’t deny with a pang of guilt that his feelings for her were not more than those for a very close friend. The intensity of actual love he hadn’t experienced often in the past centuries. There was only one who truly owned his heart, and Thor doubted that would ever change, no matter the obstacles thrown in their way.

“Thor.” 

Sif’s voice cut through his thoughts again. Her eyes were filled with warm understanding. “Don’t you do this to yourself. Don’t you tear yourself apart with guilt and responsibilities that are not yours to carry. Lady Jane is an observant and smart woman. She does not depend on a man’s attention, even though that’s what all of you like to believe so much.” She winked at him, sparking the hint of a smirk which quickly disappeared again.

“I’m not shy to cause harm upon the field of battle,” he said quietly. “But I never intended to hurt those I love. Yet it seems like I keep doing it, unaware of my actions until it’s too late.”

“If your words are in reference to Lady Jane, I believe she will be alright,” Sif said. “However, if it’s your relationship with Loki that concerns you...I think either of you has hurt the other before. You might have been an arrogant and selfish fool at times, as it’s been pointed out to you before, but in no way is that enough to rightfully label you as a bad brother.”

“But I wasn’t aware of his troubles until recently.” Shaking his head, Thor buried his face in his hands and sighed. “Shouldn’t I have seen how lost he was? How overlooked? Shouldn’t I have done more?”

“Oh Thor.” Sif gave him a sad smile. “How much your stay on Midgard has changed you. Who would have thought?” Reaching across the bed, she took one of his hands into hers and squeezed it gently. “As much as I adore your caring, reflective side, my dear friend, I wish for you to be kinder with yourself. Maybe you should have seen more. Maybe you weren’t able to as Loki has never been the one who willingly shared his heart’s content. Let it go, Thor. You cannot change the past. However, you can decide what you want to do now and so far, you seem to be making good choices. The ones of a good leader.”

He chuckled at that. “I fear the throne of Asgard is not what I’m aiming at anymore.”

“So much change,” Sif said warmly. “You’ve truly earned Mjölnir back.” She squeezed his hands again. “Now rest assured that you have a friend by your side who’ll keep your secret safe and watch out for you. Treat yourself and your mistakes with the same kindness you’d offer to others.” With those words, she nodded her head towards Loki before she got up and left him again.

Thor’s thoughts drifted off once more, replaying Sif’s words that were surprisingly gentle and so full of empathy that he wished he had asked for her opinion regarding what troubled him some time ago already. He was impulsive, rather acted than wasted time with planning, but even he had times when the mind got the best of him. One who knew him so well could offer a perspective me might have missed before.

The shifting of fabric brought him back to the presence and as Thor turned around, he found his brother awake once more. His eyes were no longer blank and unfocused though. Instead his gaze rested upon the thundergod, his expression unreadable. He looked tense, but was no longer thrashing in pain.

“You’re still here,” Loki said, voice so low and hoarse it was barely audible.

“Of course I am.” Instinctively, Thor picked up his brother’s cool, slim hand, held it in a comforting grip. “Nothing will part me from your side.”

“And why would you bother?”

Although laced with exhaustion and pain, Loki’s voice sounded cold, biting even. His eyes, however, spoke a different language. If Thor wasn’t entirely mistaken, he was sure the other man was genuinely interested in an answer.

“I promised,” Thor said, earning a glare in response.

“I’m not your responsibility, brother,” he spat, hissing the last word with raw distaste.

“You believe I remain by your side because of the belief that I’m expected to?” Thor shook his head with a sigh. “Would you not even try to see my true intentions?” His voice trailed off as Loki tensed in pain. “Are you still hurting so badly?”

“It’s none of your business.”

Thor rolled his eyes. “Loki, will you stop? It does concern me, and I wish to know.”

Loki laughed coldly. “Now you care?”

Closing his eyes, Thor took a deep breath, tried to prevent those piercing words from hitting home. “I’ve always cared, Loki,” he managed to say eventually. “I might’ve not always shown it to you the way I should have, but your well-being has always been on my mind.” Feeling a rush of anger at the hard look in the other god’s eyes, he added, “Do you believe yours is the only mind that was ever burdened with sorrow?”

“Oh, my apologies!” Loki growled, baring his teeth in a snare. “How could I be so blind not to see the suffering of the poor Golden Son of Odin! How much of a burden must it have been!”

Thor gritted his teeth in frustration. “Don’t let the obvious blind you, brother. There was a lot of pressure put upon my shoulders, at times so much I didn’t know how to could carry it, if I could meet father’s expectations. It is easy to see the confident warrior and overlook the trouble of his mind.” He paused. “However, I’m not wishing to argue with you. I admit that I should’ve been a better brother at times, should’ve noticed your pain a lot earlier. I didn’t. I cannot undo the past. But I will make sure to stay by your side now, will remind you that you’re loved as often as you need to hear it.”

“You fool!” Loki spat, eyes shining with unshed tears. “For so long, you paid little attention to me unless I was of use for you, and now that you have all reasons to abandon me, you refuse to do so?!”

Thor offered the hint of a smile and said, “I don’t hate you, and never will.” Loki’s words aimed to hurt, but failed this time. The thundergod felt a heavy sadness in the depth of his chest, but it was caused by missed opportunities rather than the situation at hand. His brother’s reaction revealed more of his hidden longings than the angry words and hateful glares.

“You should rest some more,” Thor said then, brushing gentle fingers along Loki’s heated forehead. “Your body needs all its strength for its recovery. Do not waste it with useless rage.”

He could see that Loki wanted to shoot another comment back, but didn’t seem to find the strength for it. Thor decided to stay silent as well, not wishing to fuel the fire any further. They had a long way to go, but he knew his words had reached their goal. He could see it, could feel it, knew it as surely as his own name. Loki would keep fighting him if he could, until Thor had worn down his resistance and made him see that yes, they still shared a bond. Still shared feelings. For once, he would have to be patient.


End file.
